A Contemplative Nature
With recent planetary activity in the form of recurring eclipses and global unrest, I know I am not alone in experiencing varying degrees of disruption within and without.
It has been brought to my attention a couple of times of late, by individuals who were ‘brave’ enough to let me know that my contemplative nature has an impact on them. I say, ‘brave enough’ because they also shared with me that many times in the past they have felt the impact of my contemplation and thought they were going to get into trouble if they said anything about it. Their observation of me at that time was that I had retreated so deeply that they felt it was intrusive to throw me a rope and offer a hand out! I was able to share with them that in having this brought to my attention, I am now able to recognize the process of what happens when I retreat, turn inward and contemplate. When an old wound is triggered, when light is shone on an area I have previously held in the dark and it takes me by surprise, (a bit like the boogey man), I go within to find refuge. The interesting aspect of this discovery is that once I’m ‘in there’ I have no capacity to activate myself and need to connect with people outside of me in order to restore the balance.
This insight is both timely and important, as we move from a platform of isolated avengers to a foundation of true community, where we seek to co-exist, collaborate and compliment rather than dodge and weave competitive bullets, all the while trying to maintain a social standing that keeps us separate and fearful.
As we move from the outmoded paradigm of ‘survival of the fittest’ to this brilliant opportunity to recognize and celebrate the true value of our gifts and talents, we are able to walk hand in hand with the knowledge that it is through the contributions of other’s that our lives become whole, complete and connected.
My sister has made numerous attempts to bring the impact of contemplation to my attention over the years and it is only now that I am objective enough to receive and understand the feedback. I must point out that the information was brought to me from someone outside my family and I’m inclined to believe that I may never have been objective enough with my sister to receive the information directly from her. It is only in taking it on board from a third party, who I am confident is not invested in supporting the limitations of my childhood, that I have any idea of how my sister may have experienced me throughout our lives. I am saddened by the thought that my sister’s intentions were honorable and I was not clear enough of my own baggage to see things from her perspective. While trapped in ‘survival mode’ I was not open to her rendition of events and simply added it to list of being understood. I am grateful that I now have the insight and where-with-all to apologize and move on.
In having my contemplative nature explained to me, I turned naturally to ‘contemplate’ it’s origin and have a sense that in early childhood I spent a lot of time confused by what the adults around me were saying and doing. The incongruences lead me to feel unsure and I retreated to find safety. Only in the last week have I understood this aspect of my nature that both enabled me to survive, yet kept me at arms length from those around me who could have made the difference I was seeking, if only I had known.
Retrospect and hindsight are wonderful tools and I now give thanks for any aspect of myself that I understand more fully, particularly as it offers opportunity to connect and reconnect with others.
I believe we all have a very specific quest in this lifetime, to deliver a unique message to our world. A message that no one else can deliver quite like we can, for we are all unique and everyone’s contributions are essential to the whole.
I believe that in being conscious of previous blind spots we have a responsibility to step up and make a difference with the knowledge we now have access to.
I believe it if from our deepest emotional wounds that opportunity comes for the greatest gifts of transformation to humanity.
© Patricia Herreen 2013